Top 10 Christmas Movies

ANOTHER WORLD FAMOUS

TOP TEN LIST

CHRISTMAS MOVIES

   These are my Top Ten Favorite Christmas Movies. To qualify, they have to meet the following very stringent criteria:

• They must have a Christmas theme in some way.
• I have to think of them, right now.
• I have to like them a lot.

   There is no real sense of order here. Happy Christmas!


10. Die Hard

Because nothing says "Our Savior is Born!" like a rogue cop whacking terrorists/bank robbers in a half-completed building in LA. 39 F-bombs, 19 dudes with mustaches, and 22 bad guys taken down with extreme prejudice. Yippee-ki-yay...


9. Lethal Weapon

Yep. Set at Christmas time. What is it with criminals in LA? Have they not learned the rogue cops all bust loose at Christmas?

8. Bad Santa

Billy Bob Thornton as the most grotesque mall Santa ever.

7. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Edmund Gwenn as the best department store Santa ever. Oh, and it has Maureen O'Hara in it, too.

6. Gremlins

Because it teaches you to follow the rules. Always follow the rules.


5. Trading Places

One of Eddie Murphy's funniest movies. Dan Aykroyd is is brilliant in it as well. "Is there a problem officers?" "Who's been putting their Kools out on my floors?" "Looking good, Lewis. / Feeling good, Billy Ray!"


4. Scrooged

A modern re-telling of Dickens's classic Christmas tale, starring Bill Murray. I remember taking a date to it, one of the first movie dates I ever did without chaperonage. We made out a lot in the back of the theater. Saw it again later, and enjoyed it.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas

Charlie Brown, you're hopeless. Depressed by the rampant commercialism of Christmas, Charlie Brown is just trying to find his Christmas spirit. This is a movie I make my sons (now 16 and just shy of 19) watch with me every year. Highlight for me is Linus telling the Christmas story.

2. It's A Wonderful Life

The sappiest movie of all time? Perhaps. But I know I never really feel like its been Christmas until I see it and hear Jimmy Stewart saying "Zuzu's petals!"

1. A Christmas Story

Ralphie. Red Ryder BB Gun. Bunny suit. Leg lamp - "Fragile." I could say more, but I need to go watch it. Again.

Bovington Photos, Part 5: The Big Guns

  The British 25-pdr gun. Proper Quad tractor, limber, and everything. The battery even had a White scout car, proper alignment stakes, the whole job. One of the more interesting bits of the program was watching these fellows prepare the site, unlimber, align the guns, and ready to go into action - a process which took only a few minutes.

Quad, limber, and gun.

Limbered gun in motion

closeup of the Quad

Unlimbering

15cwt truck delivering ammunition.

BOOM!

BOOM! WHOOOP!!

More BOOM!

Top Ten Movies of the 1980s

   Ah, the 1980s... the "Me" Decade. Yuppies. PCs. Big hair and shoulder pads. Parachute pants. And a lot of awesome movies that defined my junior high and high school years. Born in 1972, I lived the Eighties. Naturally, this is the era of nostalgia for me. As always, these are listed not in any particular order, and are just my personal preferences. Here is a list of someone else's Top 100.

10. The Breakfast Club (1985)

   If only detention had really been this cool. Not that I spent much time in detention. Just, you know... this was way better than the reality. Not uncommon, I suppose. And the way it looked at the various cliques in schools was real. A brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal... every school had them, and every school has them now (or some version of them). Plus, Claire (Molly Ringwald) was a hottie.

9. Red Dawn (1984)

   At the height of the rhetoric of the Cold War, this movie about a Communist invasion of the United States and the resistance of a bunch of small-town kids was dynamite. "WOLVERINES!" I swear, I left this movie foaming at the mouth to kill me some Commies. Hey, I was 12, gimme a break.

8. Risky Business (1983)

  Um, Rebecca De Mornay. And that kid, Tom Whatever-His-Name-Is. For me, it's all about two things: smoking hot Rebecca De Mornay and the "Old Time Rock and Roll" scene. Favorite quote: 

"I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the Killer Pimp."

7. Caddyshack (1980)

   Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Ted Knight, Rodney Dangerfield, and written by Harold Ramis. Loads of classic lines in this one. I can't play a round of golf without quoting it. I have a gopher club cover. It sings Kenny Loggins. My favorite quote?

"So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

6. The Blues Brothers (1980)

   Honestly, this is probably my favorite movie of all time. Love it. Now appearing at the Palace Hotel Ballroom on beautiful Lake Wassipomottie...

"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."

5. Highlander (1986)

   As you can tell, this is a list of movies that appealed to a teenage boy. Highlander rocked. Literally, thanks to Queen's score. It starred my favorite Scottish actor as a Spaniard/Egyptian and the worst French actor of the last 50 years as a Scottish Highlander. And it's still awesome. Like many other movies of the 1980s, it spawned terrible sequels. "There can be only one!"

4. Top Gun (1986)

  "She's lost that loving feeling." "No, she hasn't." "Yes, she has." "I hate it when she does that." A movie that improved Navy recruiting for years. Because everyone wanted to go to Miramar and hook up with Kelly McGillis, just like Maverick. Plus, the term 'wingman' was created to describe Goose for his role in helping Mav get some. Favorite scene: When Maverick flips off the Russian while inverted above him. Favorite quote: "Yeehaw! Jester's dead!"

3. The Princess Bride (1987)

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

   Another eminently quotable movie. Fun for all ages, and clean, too. I have put Inigo Montoya on so many name badges that start off "Hello, my name is..." that I can't keep track. Every once in awhile, someone gets it and chuckles. Just like you are doing now.

2. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

   "I am your father."

   'Nuff said? Okay, let's throw in Yoda. And the Battle of Hoth. And Han Solo's ultimate player line: "I know." Well, I saw it 27 times in the theater the summer it came out. You could say I like it.

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

   Where to start? I love this movie. Always have. Still have my FBDO button somewhere. My sons and I watch it every year on the night before school begins. Favorite scene: The Parade.

Honorable Mentions:
Sixteen Candles (1984)
Big (1988)
Terminator (1982)
A Christmas Story (1983)
Robocop (1987)
They Live (1988)

Top Ten Western Movies

WESTERNS

  Why is it that westerns get so many great lines? I don't know, but they do. Maybe that's what I love about them. Note that I am excluding TV westerns from this list - which is why Lonesome Dove isn't on it.

10. Blazing Saddles

   While I will argue that Blazing Saddles is the funniest movie ever made, it is also a western. However, it ranks lowest on this poll because it is really a comedy, in a western setting (well, for most of the movie).

9. Silverado

   Honestly, I just always liked this one. Small town ruled by rich jerk, a heterogeneous band of heroes, and a great quote: "I don't want to kill you, and you don't wanna be dead."

8. High Noon

  From a moral standpoint, this has got to be one of the best westerns ever. One man standing up for what he believes in, when everyone else tells him to back down. Plus, it has Gary Cooper in it.

7. Rio Bravo

   John Wayne. Dean Martin. Ricky Nelson. And my favorite song from any western ever: My Rifle, Pony and Me".

6. A Fistful of Dollars

   Why is this great movie at #6? Because there are even better ones below. But the scene where he walks past the undertaker and signals for two? Classic. My favorite of the Sergio Leone spaghetti westerns.

5. Stagecoach

   John Wayne's first starring role, as an outlaw stranded with a group of people on a stagecoach traveling through an Indian uprising.

4. True Grit

   "Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!" 'Nuff said?

3. The Outlaw Josey Wales

   Clint gets three, John Wayne gets three. I always loved this movie about the man tormented by the murder of his family and haunted by his past. Plus, it has some great lines in it:

• "Buzzards got to eat, same as worms."
• "Endeavor to persevere."
• "Are you going to skin those smokewagons or start whistling Dixie?"

2. Unforgiven

  The best of the more modern westerns, by far.

• "Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend."

1. The Magnificent Seven

   My bar none favorite western movie. I love the crazy casting, and how Steve McQueen does his best (usually successfully) to steal the scene from Yul Brynner. Another movie with great quotes and a fun ensemble cast.

• "We deal in lead, friend."
• "That was the greatest shot I've ever seen! / The worst! I was aiming at his horse."
• "Nobody throws me my own guns and says run. Nobody."
• "As for women, I became indifferent when I was 83."

Top Ten Mercenary Companies

   I had so much fun with the previous top ten lists, that I decided that I wanted to do another. It may become a semi-regular feature on the blog, as I get around to it. This time, I am highlighting my favorite mercenary companies of film, book, game and history!

10. The Flying Tigers

   The Flying Tigers flew one of my favorite WWII-era aircraft, the P-40. Officially known as the American Volunteer Group, these pilots flew against the Japanese for Nationalist China. Famous for their insignia, the shark's mouth painted on the aircraft's intake, and developing skills and tactics which would prove valuable when the Japanese and Americans officially went to war. They also have a great movie.

9. Eridani Light Horse

   The Eridani Light Horse is a combined arms force from the BattleTech Universe. It is one of the largest and oldest mercenary companies in that setting. Plus, I have always liked their logo.

8. The Swiss Guard

   Believe it or not, the Swiss are famous for more than pocket knives, banks, and cuckoo clocks. In the early pike and shot era, say from the mid-1400s through the early 1600s, the Swiss were your prime source for stone cold killers for hire. Their reputation was so good that they were often hired as royal bodyguards, and in 1506 the Pope hired some Swiss to protect the Papal States and his own person. They are still working for him. And while their ceremonial uniforms (see above) may look silly, the guys you don't see are highly trained soldiers armed with modern small arms and a devout sense of duty to protect the Holy Father. Also, those halberds are good, honest steel. Think twice before you mock.

7. The Magnificent Seven

   I see what you did there... This is my favorite Western of all time, bar none. And the casting? Genius! Who would have made a Hungarian an Cajun, a gay German the Mexican heartthrob, and a New York Jew as a Mexican bandit leader? And it still works. Plus, Steve McQueen stealing scenes left and right. "We deal in lead, friend."

6. The Seven Samurai

  Rated higher, even though the Magnificent Seven is my favorite Western movie - another Top Ten in the making, I am sure. But this film is legend.

5. The Dogs of War

   Okay, so in the 1980 movie version of Frederick Forsythe's novel, Christopher Walken and his group of 'cursed mercenaries' ("Vive l'mort, vive l'guerre, vive l'sacre mercenaire.") don't really have a name for themselves. So what? The XM-18 alone is worth the price of admission. Plus, I have it on unreliable rumor that Zangaro was the basis of Bongolesia.

4. The Wild Geese

   Burton, Moore, Harris, and Kruger are... THE WILD GEESE. So much awesome, it is hard to contain. African hellhole nations have a disease, and these guys are the cure! I need to get AK47 Republic just so I can play out these games in Bongolesia.

3. The Black Company

   As much as I enjoy a good mercenary movie, my top three are all from books. The Black Company is a series of novels written by Glen Cook. The first trilogy is, as usual, the best. It's fantasy genre, but for the most part, magic is the province of the bad guys. Of course, the Black Company currently works for the Bad Guys. But there are Worse Guys out there, too.

2. Hammer's Slammers

   This is what made David Drake a science fiction legend (and he has just gone on from there, still writing great stuff). At least two minis games have come from this series of books and short stories. I like the tanks, the combat cars, and the power guns. Energy weapons with ammo - a great concept. Alois Hammer runs one of the nastiest, toughest, most kickass mercenary companies in the galaxy. Do not cross him, and if your enemies hire him, you had better hope you can hire...

1. Falkenberg's Legion

   My all time favorite, from Jerry Pournelle, with some help from S.M. Stirling (another favorite author). Set in the Future History Universe. John Christian Falkenberg is the epitome of the mercenary captain. And all of this while actually trying to preserve as much of humanity as possible, given the oncoming downfall of the CoDominium. These men and women are the best mercenaries ever.

Honorable Mentions:

• Robert Clive -  better known as "Clive of India." Quite probably the man most responsible for the establishment of the British Raj in India.
• Landsknechte - If only for their outrageous clothes (hesitate to call it a uniform, since it wasn't uniform) and their famous swords, the Katzbalger and the Zweihander. Even though they were more likely to carry pikes.
• Frederick Russel Burnham - An American who fought for the British in Africa in the First and Second Matabele Wars, plus the Second Boer War.
• G4S - The second largest private employer in the world, behind WalMart. Let that sink in. They operate in 120 countries, with over 600,000 employees. Most are not traditional mercenaries, they're security guards. But in places like Afghanistan, Iraq, etc., a security guard is most likely a former special warfare operator - SEAL, Delta, Force Recon, SAS, you name it.

Top Ten Worst Movie Monsters Ever!

  In response to Laughing Ferret's awesome list of the Worst Monsters Ever, I believe I must once again weigh in on the subject. This is becoming a habit, I fear...

   Following his rules, I am limiting myself to only monsters appearing in films which I have seen. Thus, the Twilight critters are safe.

TOP TEN WORST MOVIE MONSTERS

#10: The Blob (1958)

   For some reason, this movie terrified my mother-in-law when she first saw it. But really? It's Jell-o with an attitude. At least the theater is air conditioned. And showing a Bela Lugosi film.

#9: Creature from the Black Lagoon

   Fish guy from prehistoric times? All he wants is to make it with a mammal, raise a few baby fishmen. If only they had used the Creature as the prototype for some kickass Deep Ones in a version of Shadows over Innsmouth. Instead, it's a rubber suit monster with a SCUBA gear humpback.

#8: Were-Marsupials

  No, this is not a joke. In The Howling III, the action takes place in Australia. Therefore, we must have werewolves with pouches! Are these really any scarier than real werewolves? Not in the slightest. And dressing like Sister Mary Catherine doesn't scare me, either, though considering her skill with a yardstick across the knuckles, it probably should be more terrifying.

#7: I Was a Teenage [Fill in Blank] (1957)

   They were both dreadful. Michael Landon as the werewolf. Gary Conway as the Frankenstein's Monster. But at least the werewolf costume wasn't as bad as that awful Frankenstein.

#6: Mothra

   Any monster list that is not specifically anti-kaiju must have kaiju. I think that is internet law #647 or something. And Mothra is the lamest kaiju of them all. First, she can be controlled by two tiny Japanese fairies. Second, although she's big, her greatest power is... poisonous spores. Unless you count the spraying silk attack of the larval form.

#5: Giant Bunnies

   Not a typo. That word is bunnies. Giant, carnivorous bunnies, sure. But still... bunnies? Night of the Lepus tried to make you scared of them. They also did it the lazy way (regular animal, scale setting). Ho hum. These are sure not the killer bunny from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. After all, these are lame, and that rabbit's dynamite!

#4: The Mirror Monster

   Among the many terrible things that were in Conan the Destroyer (like casting Wilt Chamberlain and Grace Jones), this monster was pathetic. A mighty sorcerer (Thoth-Amon) chooses this for his combat against Conan? I mean, you have to break some mirrors to kill it? Gee, that's tough. Think of all the bad luck you're going to have...

#3: Giant Spider from Ator the Fighting Eagle

   Back in the 80s, I loved sword and sorcery movies. Which had a lot of bad monsters in them. I think the worst was this giant spider. I swear you could see the cables which manipulated the legs in some shots.

#2: Iguana Dinosaurs

   A staple of the early sci-fi movies, an iguana with a forced perspective or film overlay is the laziest monster ever. This one is from One Million Years BC. Which did, however, have some redeeming qualities as a film...

#1: Robot Monster

   The Ferret hit the nail on the head with this one. However, if I had ever seen one of the Twilight movies, I would have bumped this guy for the Sparkly Vampires.