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Saturday, March 2, 2013

Amateur Night, 2/24/2063

   Five brave hopefuls strapped on their body armor, tightened their seat belts, and roared into the arena for another Amateur Night autoduel contest. Upon signing their waivers, each contestant was provided with a stock Killer Kart II from XCIV Motors, a real Division 5 contender. The lineup was:
  • Nathaniel "the Kid" Maloney - Mach 5
  • Greyson "Biscuits and Brisket" Womack - green Hemicuda
  • Zachary "BQ" Maloney - orange El Camino Copo
  • J "the Professor" Womack - blue
  • "Deadly" Dane Womack - white Dodge Demon

   As is typical in Division 5 events, the action was fast and furious. The duel had gone on for a mere four seconds before the first car was eliminated. Nathaniel "the Kid" Maloney pounded young Greyson "Biscuits and Brisket" Womack's left side with machine gun fire before ramming into the side of Greyson's wounded vehicle at forty miles an hour! Greyson was saved by his body armor, but his vehicle was so much scrap as his unconscious form was removed for hospital treatment. Score one kill for the Kid!

The Kid rams Biscuits and Brisket in a T-Bone!

   At the other end of the arena, a three-way struggle was developing. The Professor took careful aim at the right hand side of "Deadly" Dane's Kart, peppering it with a few rounds but failing to penetrate the light armor. "BQ" Maloney ripped a fusillade off at the Professor, but only chewed up the tarmac. Deadly Dane completed the circle of fire by blazing away at the BQ, but his shots went astray as well. (No fans were harmed by the stray rounds - our stands are protected by Perspex Brand Armorglass. When you need to see, and not feel, choose Perspex!)

 A circle of shots.

   The Professor concentrated his fire on the wounded side of Deadly Dane's kart. A second round struck home at point blank range, chewing through the remainder of the armor on the right side and causing sparks to fly in the powerplant compartment.

The Professor maneuvers deftly through the traffic...

   In the collision, the Kid had wrecked his own front end, including destroying his machine gun. Seeing this vulnerability, Deadly Dane swung about to fire right down the Kid's unprotected front end. Meanwhile, BQ Maloney was trying desperately not to ram into the reinforced concrete walls of the arena, and the Professor swerved around again, aiming for the already damaged right side of Deadly Dane.

...and lines up for the final blow (he hopes)!

   At this point, the duel was called off due to technical difficulties in the arena. All participants (except for the Kid) are being rescheduled for the next Amateur Night competition. What car will they be provided? Only time will tell!
   All autoduels and races at the Texas City Arena are carried out under the strict safety guidelines set forth by the Republic of Texas and the American AutoDuel Association. Rebroadcast of the event without the express written permission of the AADA and the Texas City Arena, Inc., is prohibited. Penalties in the Republic of Texas include fines of up to $10,000 and sentences of up to ten years at hard labor.

   Participants were provided with a stock Killer Kart II. Design specifications available from XCIV Motors.

[Editor's Note: We ran out of time, and Nathaniel ran out of patience (he's only 7, after all...) The rest of us had good fun, though, and plan to go at it again soon.]

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